Inheritance of genes?

Was it karma or the inheritance of genes or just wanting attention?

I'm having the most difficult time with my daughter. Apart was maybe because I gave her the lack of attention. But when does karma really hit? After 5 years of time? Mum said to me "Do you know where her stubborness comes from?" If you ask me, I would deny the fact of my wrong doings and cover it up by saying is inherited. And that's just bullshit.

But come to think of it, every single person is a form of another 2 person. This 2 person is the mother and father. The single person learns and follows the 2 persons traits and yes, they will somehow inherit a certain amount of personalities and charateristics. I can't remember what it's like to be a 5 years old. I don't even remember what I did wrong at that age. Was I like my daughter now back then?

I read from all kinds of sources, having people to tell me this, "Start from young". Ok. I practically blew that part of. I was always around my daughter. But was I really around with her as in mentally? I was physically, no doubts about that. But I guess my heart and mind wasn't really there.

Sigh.

My mistakes has indeed karma-ised now. She's a smart kid. And I looked passed that. I have never once laid a cane on her skin. Just a smack on the butt or the legs or her hands. Once she has a time-out, I'll explain and talk to her of what went wrong and why did I smack her. That failed. Completely. The Bible once taught me, "Spare the rod, spoil the child". But is cane-ing a child really necessary? My mum, her grandma sometimes uses the cane when necessary, and I do see the cane marks on her legs, and that breaks my heart. I vowed before that I will never use a cane and there somehow has other ways to educated a child.

But just about 15 minutes ago, before I type all this down, I canned her. Not really a hard one but just enough for her to feel the slightest inch of burning pain on her skin. I hugged her back, and all I was given was a reaction of frustration and anger turning back to me with countless of kicks and punches from her. Ouch. She's a strong one. It hurts and the reddish-marks are still on my arms.

What am I suppose to do? Will giving her the attention she needs really helps her with getting rid of the stubborness or was she overwhelmed with the non-existence of her father? She needs a father-figure. Really. And she is and will not be getting one. That's a fact I cannot control and reality is, my mistakes has drowned on her.

Sentimental.. me? Nah..

I've been floating away in my dreamy head for the past couple of weeks. Days after days are filled with decisions and thoughts to think. Not that I wish to dwell in it but it's been stuck in my head... endlessly. The ever lack of confidence is slowly being drained away, like a damn pipe's been broken. And it's frustrating. I'm back to my ol' self. Not eating. Why? I don't know. Im back to the same old regime.

What do I do when I'm feeling like this? I stone.. stone.. and stone. I don't even need freaking weeds to make me stone, else... staring at the wall and start laughing. I do not enjoy this one bit.

Work has been a bloody slack for me. I don't seem to find the motivation at all. I feel the dread. Not exactly dread getting up and head to the office, dread to more of it's a routine I cannot run from. It's like being a robot with emotions. Repeating the same sentence for 9 hours a day on the phone with strangers. Seems fun.. Yea, the first month of it and I'm beginning to feel the shit of it now. Unpredictable.

Come to think of it. It's already almost the end of the month. Yet again.

SALARY... CHECKED!

Looking forward to possibilities and happy endings. This prompts me to work even harder. If thats the driving license I need to aim for, I bloody need to get my ass for the 6 hours shit. Get it done and over with. Who does illegal prints for a fake driving license please raise your hand! Just kidding. =P

I can't wait. Can't wait. Can't wait. Can't wait. Can't wait. Can't wait. Can't wait.

Keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best and prays hard. It's time to get what I want.

I feel 50 years older.

I've been so caught up with work, I hardly have any time left for myself. I feel so tired all the time. And yes, I practically feel like a 50 years old.

My lower backache is killing me. Sometimes I get out of breath and my chest tightens up. Low blood pressure and feel like fainting. I get constant blackout when I stand up from sitting or from lying down. What's wrong with me? My friends said I lost weight. HUH?! I weigh 38kg. Any less than that I'm like a fuckass anorexic. I've been eating like a pig. I need sleep sleep sleep sleep.

------------------------------------------------------

I once post a checklist post back in January. Time to update!


--CHECKLIST--
1. labor pains
2. odd hours of sleep
3. nappy changing
4. shopping woes
5. eating dilemma
6. late night hours
7. scrape knees/cuts/bruises
8. punishment/timeouts
9. notorious tantrums on the floor
10. first day of school
11. homeworks
12. sports day
13. parent-teacher day
14. graduation day
15. school holidays
16. extra curricular classes
17. ...

What's next?

Nyahahaha!

I went on a date last wednesday!

Nyahahhahaa.................................................................................. =)

Happy moments are meant to be shared and preserved in memory.